innovative, trailblazing concepts.

I fancy myself a forward-thinker. I like to throw my support at new, exciting ideas and theories. After all, who else is going to go to bat for those wacky folks claiming the world is round? Why, just last week I offered a congratulatory high-five to a gentleman who NOT ONLY took the three dollars I gave him, but, in return, gave me a COFFEE! Can you imagine the adversity that man must face by being so modern as to accept monetary compensation for goods and services?!

It is for this reason, this... ardor for what some less considerate folks would refer to as "common sense" that I find myself in the customer service industry!

Most recently, I have been an advocate for a groundbreaking idea regarding the graduation ceremony at the esteemed university I work for. Seems those wacky event planners have decided to hold the ceremony OUTDOORS! Who would have thunk? It's my job to distribute the tickets to graduates for both themselves and their guests, as well as to acquaint them with our plans for the proceedings for that day (such as enter through a door, sign up at the appropriately labeled alphabetic table, sit in a chair with your peers, stand sometimes, sit sometimes... really complicated stuff!) However, as great as our graduates have been about accepting those difficult, scientific ideas, none have created such broad confusion as the fact that the ceremony is actually being held... out of doors! Not since the advent of the internal-spring auto-retracting window shade has such confusion been wrought!

These poor graduates... this time in their life is confusing enough without us throwing them such a curveball! Luckily, I am here to field their questions and confusions! Here is a log I have kept (for scientific records) of the various questions I have received while at my post regarding the location of the ceremony in which these factory-fresh adults will be receiving the piece of cardboard that will one day house the piece of paper that says they gave enough of a crap about something to spend x amounts of both years and dollars to get it.

Persons 1-623, 625-872: So the ceremony is gonna be outside?
Me: Yes, it certainly is!
P 1-623, 625-872: Okay... well what if it rains?
Me: The ceremony will be held rain or shine!
P 1-623, 625-872: But... what about if it rains?
Me: If there is inclimate weather, the University will provide umbrellas for the graduates.
P 1-623, 625-872: But what about my family?
Me: If there looks to be inclimate weather, they should prepare accordingly.

Person 624: Okay, so like... If it rains though... It's gonna be all humid. And if I straighten my hair I'mma look all crazy.

Person 873: But I really hate sunlight. Also I don't know if I want to be up that early.

Person 874: So... because its gonna be outside- do we gotta, like, bring lawnchairs?

Person 875: Can my family bring a grill?

Person 876: Do I gotta have a ticket fo mah baby?
Me: Every person in attendance must have a ticket.
P 876: Okay lemme get a extra ticket.
Me: I'm sorry, there are five guest tickets alloted for each graduate, and we are not free to distribute more.
P 876: DAMN. So you sayin' I gotta choose between my baby or he daddy?
Me: I'm sorry about the inconvenience- this is just a matter of firecode- we need to keep track of the amount of people on campus.
P 876 (now on a cellphone): This bitch sayin' I can't bring Marcus to my graduation. No! Not Marcus, Jr.... Big Marcus gonna have to stay home because if I don't bring my baby ain't nobody gonna be able to watch him cuz we all 'finna be at the graduation! ...Big Marcus could come to Old Country Buffet after. He could bring some wine... do they have BYOB at the Old Country Buffet?

Person 877: What if there's thunder and lightning and the lightning strikes the flagpole and the flag catches on fire... isn't it illegal to burn the flag? Would the school get in trouble for that? (Now to a friend) Dude- I can see the FBI rollin' up on our graduation and like... taking down the Dean with like... I dunno a fuckin' bodyslam or somethin'!


Oh, kids! It's a good thing they have me! Can you imagine such a difficult and worrisome time in your life being complicated by something as avant-garde and exotic as an outdoor commencement? It's like nothing we've seen before! Never in history has there been a outdoor ceremony- not for anyone's high school graduation, not in the movies, not for kindergarten graduations, not on television, not for middle-school graduation, not for beatuy school graduation, not for ANY graduations EVER! College is HARD!

progress?

I don't know how I feel about Glee. I know that I enjoy the music and the the plots sometimes, but I just don't know if I can get behind a show that writes lines for a token gay character that begin with "As an honorary girl..." I was watching last night, thoroughly enjoying the performances and "gleeking" out with my friend over the sheer decadence of it all, when that line jumped out and smacked me in the face. It was such a shock- I stopped paying attention for a second and had to re-adjust. Why was that necessary? The obvious answer is a cheap laugh. Unacceptable. The writing is usually above that.

This is tricky, though- because as a general rule the show is pretty progressive. I can absolutely get behind a show that brings music into the public consciousness, supports and showcases young and relatively unknown performers, and has reached vast commercial success without being another cop show.

Also, I'm a gay man, so I guess I should be pleased that one of the supporting characters is a gay kid. But is that reason enough to celebrate it? Is the mere presence of a gay character enough to make me love the show unconditionally? Don't get me wrong- I think its great that gay people are being more publicly represented in the media- what I don't like is that the character is trivialized as a ditzy fashion whore with a goofy voice. I didn't like it on Jack McFarland and I don't like it on Kurt Hummel. It's not progress- it's heterosexism disguised as progress. Sometimes you're gay and a ditzy fashion whore with a goofy voice, and that's completely fine. But sometimes you're gay and not a ditzy fashion whore with a goofy voice- which is also fine (but less entertaining, apparently.)

I don't hate anyone for behaving the way Kurt does on Glee, straight, gay, male female, whatever. I support being yourself regardless of your demographic. I just think its important to recognize that as a culture, we're not quite there yet- and by that I mean we're still pre-packaging homosexuality as comedy to make it more palatable for the mass consumer. I'm not going to celebrate yet.

why i pay myself the big bucks.

Backstory: My roommate and I used to alter lyrics to popular songs to accommodate the name of whatever food we were enthusiastically consuming at the time (for example, Lady Gaga: "That boy is a mon-sterrrrr (muh-muh-muh-monsterrrr)" Us: "That boy is a ba-gellllllllll (buh-buh-buh-bagellllllll)")

Also: My old boss was hungover a lot.

In the break room, boss passed out with her head against the wall, unswallowed latte dribbling down her cheek:

Me: (muttering, my back to her, preparing my lunch in the microwave) We built this city... we built this city... we built this city on spa-ghe-tti!

Boss: (without so much as opening her eyes) that's not how it goes...






Another thing my boss did pretty consistently was spend money and tell us about the money she was spending. Which, you know- Was fun for us. Because of how much we cared how she spent all the money she payed herself as opposed to giving us raises or paying us for the overtime we were owed, as dictated by law. Her Choos were way more exciting than the gas bill.

Boss: (flipping idly through a catalogue) Oh! I found a tae-bo!
Co-Worker: Typo.
Boss: I know that. Don't you think I know that? Tae Bo is for sushi. Look! They wrote "Fox Leather!" For one thing- they spelled it wrong and that's extra dumb, cuz everyone knows foxes have fur! You can't make leather from fur.

getting the facts straight

Part of my job involves speaking to people on the phone a lot. This is a piece of a conversation I just had:

pay special attention to italicized portions.

Lady: How do I get to your theater?
Me: It is on the campus of this school. Are you familiar with the campus?
Lady: No.
Me: Well the address of the school is bla dee blaa blah.
Lady: bla.... dee... bloo blee?
Me: No. Bla dee blaa blah.
Lady: Oh. I see. Well I guess I'll just have to figure that out, then.
Me: ...Figure what out? Campus is located at the exact address I just gave you. bla dee blaa blah.
Lady: Well I suppose we'll just have to take our chances.

(FYI: the campus in question does not move.)

Lady: Does the theater have an address?
Me: No, we don't have an exact address for it, as it is in a building that is a part of a campus. Located at the aforementioned address.
Lady: Well what is the approximate address? Like what is the intersection?
Me: There is no intersection- we are in the middle of campus. For mailings, we use the approximate address yada yada yada.
Lady: Oh I see. And where can I park?
Me: Lot F or the fourth level of our parking garage.
Lady: Why the fourth level?
Me: ...
Lady: I'm disabled. I can't climb down that whole way.
Me: Oh, there is an elevator.
Lady: Well we'll just see about that.
Me: ...There is, I assure you.
Lady: mmmmhm.
Me: ...Did you have any other questions?
Lady: I'll think about it. If I have do what are your hours?
Me: 10-7, Monday through Friday.
Lady: Great, then I think I'll just stop by after my classes.
Me: I'm sorry?
Lady: I'll stop by after my classes.
Me: You're a student here?
Lady: Yes, of course. Why else would I need to see this performance?