innovative, trailblazing concepts.

I fancy myself a forward-thinker. I like to throw my support at new, exciting ideas and theories. After all, who else is going to go to bat for those wacky folks claiming the world is round? Why, just last week I offered a congratulatory high-five to a gentleman who NOT ONLY took the three dollars I gave him, but, in return, gave me a COFFEE! Can you imagine the adversity that man must face by being so modern as to accept monetary compensation for goods and services?!

It is for this reason, this... ardor for what some less considerate folks would refer to as "common sense" that I find myself in the customer service industry!

Most recently, I have been an advocate for a groundbreaking idea regarding the graduation ceremony at the esteemed university I work for. Seems those wacky event planners have decided to hold the ceremony OUTDOORS! Who would have thunk? It's my job to distribute the tickets to graduates for both themselves and their guests, as well as to acquaint them with our plans for the proceedings for that day (such as enter through a door, sign up at the appropriately labeled alphabetic table, sit in a chair with your peers, stand sometimes, sit sometimes... really complicated stuff!) However, as great as our graduates have been about accepting those difficult, scientific ideas, none have created such broad confusion as the fact that the ceremony is actually being held... out of doors! Not since the advent of the internal-spring auto-retracting window shade has such confusion been wrought!

These poor graduates... this time in their life is confusing enough without us throwing them such a curveball! Luckily, I am here to field their questions and confusions! Here is a log I have kept (for scientific records) of the various questions I have received while at my post regarding the location of the ceremony in which these factory-fresh adults will be receiving the piece of cardboard that will one day house the piece of paper that says they gave enough of a crap about something to spend x amounts of both years and dollars to get it.

Persons 1-623, 625-872: So the ceremony is gonna be outside?
Me: Yes, it certainly is!
P 1-623, 625-872: Okay... well what if it rains?
Me: The ceremony will be held rain or shine!
P 1-623, 625-872: But... what about if it rains?
Me: If there is inclimate weather, the University will provide umbrellas for the graduates.
P 1-623, 625-872: But what about my family?
Me: If there looks to be inclimate weather, they should prepare accordingly.

Person 624: Okay, so like... If it rains though... It's gonna be all humid. And if I straighten my hair I'mma look all crazy.

Person 873: But I really hate sunlight. Also I don't know if I want to be up that early.

Person 874: So... because its gonna be outside- do we gotta, like, bring lawnchairs?

Person 875: Can my family bring a grill?

Person 876: Do I gotta have a ticket fo mah baby?
Me: Every person in attendance must have a ticket.
P 876: Okay lemme get a extra ticket.
Me: I'm sorry, there are five guest tickets alloted for each graduate, and we are not free to distribute more.
P 876: DAMN. So you sayin' I gotta choose between my baby or he daddy?
Me: I'm sorry about the inconvenience- this is just a matter of firecode- we need to keep track of the amount of people on campus.
P 876 (now on a cellphone): This bitch sayin' I can't bring Marcus to my graduation. No! Not Marcus, Jr.... Big Marcus gonna have to stay home because if I don't bring my baby ain't nobody gonna be able to watch him cuz we all 'finna be at the graduation! ...Big Marcus could come to Old Country Buffet after. He could bring some wine... do they have BYOB at the Old Country Buffet?

Person 877: What if there's thunder and lightning and the lightning strikes the flagpole and the flag catches on fire... isn't it illegal to burn the flag? Would the school get in trouble for that? (Now to a friend) Dude- I can see the FBI rollin' up on our graduation and like... taking down the Dean with like... I dunno a fuckin' bodyslam or somethin'!


Oh, kids! It's a good thing they have me! Can you imagine such a difficult and worrisome time in your life being complicated by something as avant-garde and exotic as an outdoor commencement? It's like nothing we've seen before! Never in history has there been a outdoor ceremony- not for anyone's high school graduation, not in the movies, not for kindergarten graduations, not on television, not for middle-school graduation, not for beatuy school graduation, not for ANY graduations EVER! College is HARD!